I was always someone who thought that being alone was when I was happiest – which makes sense. I would always choose being alone over anything else because socialising would have such a negative impact on me. I wrote this poem titled ‘social hangover’ to describe how it feels.
Social hangover
The morning sun seeps in
Splintering clammy skin
A wave of humid heat
Through curtains paper thin
Sharp scatterings of narratives
Pangs to a sluggish mind
Burning larynx
Chords severed, left behind
Stuck stagnant in a dry throat
Static embers of last night
Reeling in an uneasy stomach
The acidic bite –
Of unheard words
Boiling turbidly in the brain
A throbbing, aching
Social hangover pain
Whispers of memories
spiralling deep in my head
The soft comfort of hiding
Under the bed
Anticipation
Participation
Rumination
Repeat.
I think this poem depicts how it feels to be autistic and navigate social situations.
You may get from this poem that the main issue I had with socialising was the overthinking that comes from it. I would always feel anxious that I’d said or done something wrong. I think that having time during lockdown to learn to accept myself and the way I am really helped me to embrace spending time with people without feeling guilty about doing things wrong and making social errors. It means that I can socialise now without overthinking as much.
So I’ve gone from someone who despised socialising to someone who actually really values social interactions. Obviously the whole sensory side of things can still be an issue but I’m quite good at managing that.
Finty Royle 