People with autism don’t tend to have the best reputation when it comes to social skills. Autism is primarily a social communication disorder so wether it be due to inability to read people, to understand social cues or make eye contact – as a person with autism, socialising can be very stressful. Despite this, I know many autistic people who thrive in social situations and in this post, I want to try and understand why.
Things you may be doing wrong
- You don’t know what skills you need to work on.
If you don’t know where you are going wrong then you can’t possibly know what to work on! Once you’ve identified where you are going wrong, you can work to push yourself to overcome them. For example:
- If you get anxious making phone calls, try making one in the next week.
- If you find yourself interrupting people when they are talking, challenge yourself to let people finish what they are saying before you talk.
2. Not socialising with the right people
I used to think that I was rubbish at socialising but when I came to uni and joined societies where people with similar interests went, I found that actually, I’m okay at socialising. I just needed to find the right people. People are generally nice and will accept your differences just as you’d accept theirs.
3. Not socialising in the right place
I find that if I meet up with people in groups and indoors, (for example in a cafe) I really struggle to participate in conversations because I can’t focus on everything that is going on at once. When I arrange to meet people, I often suggest going for a walk as I find it a lot easier to talk as there is less pressure and it is more acceptable to have periods of silence.
4. Dwelling on negative thoughts and overthinking
It is very easy to spiral into thinking about what you are doing wrong and ways you’ve messed up when reflecting on social situations. However, it is important to practice self compassion because everyone makes mistakes! Rather than overthinking things you may have done wrong, learn from them. Identify where you’ve gone wrong, think about how you can do things differently next time and move on! This is easier said than done, but by focusing on thinking about what you can do going forward rather than what you have done wrong, you are doing something positive and proactive.
5. Not getting on with people
Sometimes, you may perceive people to not like you or sense friction when really, you are just misinterpreting them. Some things you could do to get over this are:
- Learn about other cultures. Friendships aren’t all about similarities. Sometimes you’ve got to appreciate differences too. Look up documentaries, exhibitions or books on different cultures so you can understand them more.
- Keep and open mind and try not to jump to conclusions.
- Ask questions – Rather than saying “You’re wrong!” ask “How come you think that?”
Ways to overcome these problems
- Study other people
Socialising is an art and is just one of those things that is better learnt through observation than learning a set formula. Think about:
- What is their body language and eye contact like?
- How do they make people feel?
- What do they talk about?
- What are their energy levels like compared to the other persons?
Another thing you can to to improve your social skills is visualise certain scenarios and play them out in your head. It links to the above paragraph because you can visualise yourself doing the things that a ‘good’ socialiser does.
3. Active listening – encourage people to talk about themselves.
Active listening is a really good skill to have and will make people want to spend time with you. I actually did an active listening course a few years ago that really helped me. Some top tips are:
- Show that you are listening through your body language. For example, make eye contact, nod occasionally as they talk and lean forward slightly.
- Listen to non verbal cues. Are they rubbing their eyes because they are tired? Crossing their arms in defence? Or maybe they are just smiling.
- Try to focus on listening and not preparing your next question while they are speaking.
- Say ‘yeah’ or ‘uh huh’ to show that you are listening.
- Don’t try and solve their problems, just offer a listening ear.
- Ask questions relating to what they’ve said or repeat or paraphrase things back to them eg. ‘It sounds like that made you really upset…’
4. Start and end the conversation right. To start the conversation:
- Ask a question eg. ‘How’s your day going?’
- Ask for their opinion eg. ‘What do you think of the new….?’
- Give a compliment eg. ‘I love your t-shirt! Where’s it from?’
- Make an observation about the surroundings eg. Isn’t the wether great!’
Then to know when a conversation is over:
- Summarising statements eg. ‘Well, I hope it works out for you!’
- Short pleasantries eg. ‘It was great spending time with you!’
- Mentioning meeting again soon eg. ‘We should meet up again to do this again!’
- Referring to other commitments eg. ‘I have sooo much work to do later!’
Non-verbal signs include:
- Packing up belongings
- Looking at their watch or a clock
- Appearing distracted
Hopefully these tips will help you have better social interactions!